Spitting Coke At Strangers

It probably just, it doesn’t matter really if lots of people don’t like me. My friends, I have no words for how happy they make me feel. I know that this fun is temporary. And I should not get used to having them around. But at this moment, I just want to enjoy everything. Times like these rarely come to me. So I must not hesitate. When my grief clings again, I have something to think over. Something good. Something warm. Something that can at least, make me feel less empty.

I feel so sick that not even watching One Piece can fix it. And I am crying. Watching One Piece while crying. I cannot believe this is even possible for me. I am getting weaker and weaker. And it is the scarier than I thought.

Listening to Techno feels so right when you are hurting

What do I feel about having one of your brothers’ friend sneaking into my bedroom, touching, biting, and licking me, and when I started crying, he pulled my hair and shouted at my face “I’ll fuck you, bitch. I’ll fuck you.” I did not regret hitting his head on wall and watching him bleed. My brothers so stupidly drove him to the nearest hospital. He did not die. I wished he did. But in retrospect, I don’t really care what will happen to him. I just wanted to be away from him. From anyone. Even from my brothers. That night, I despise everyone and everything. Even the moonlight on my skin was mocking me. 

I was crying in my dream last night. But when I woke up, my eyes are too dry.

Would be fun if I just let myself give in to sadness. But if I fuck it up big time, I don’t know if I can get back. Some are lucky to have people who would not forsake them no matter what. I learned my lesson. To trust again. Boys or girls alike. Gender does not dictate who can be traitors or loyal allies. I must not let go of myself.

Of course I did not approach him. Over the years, I have taught myself to stop hallucinating. 

I was getting some toiletries in the grocery store this morning when I saw this guy standing near the pharmacy, just beside the counter. I could not take my eyes off him. He looks just like you. 

I will logout now. I should. God I am so disappointed with myself. Why am I even entertaining the thought of cheating? 

I know! No matter how I look I always screw things up. I’m not really good at these stuffs. I don’t even know the basics in flirting. I’m really upset right now. I actually care. I was just pretending I don’t. Ugh